The Spiritual Impact of Pain

I was born with shallow hip sockets. It is a condition known as hip dysplasia. It wasn't caught when I was little, so my hips continued to develop that way. The upshot was that I was always in pain from a very young age. I also have hypermobility which caused my shoulders and back to hurt. I distinctly remember having thoughts of wanting to die when I was six years old. I never thought about actually doing harm to myself, I just had moments when the pain was more than I knew how to handle. I hid this from everyone, thinking I just had poor coping skills for ordinary life. It never occurred to me that it wasn't normal to feel that way. The Presidential Fitness Test every child was put  through was torture for me. My shoulders hurt excruciatingly from pull-ups, my back hurt from the sit-ups, and I was nearly doubled over with hip pain after running. When I said something, my teachers claimed I was just trying to get out of doing things. I was called lazy. My family called me a hypochondriac, and most of my doctors said it was all in my head because nothing was wrong with me. So I hid  to cry and forced myself through, never understanding why I couldn't just enjoy things. I developed coping mechanisms to hide my agony, and I kept wishing someone would notice how much I was suffering. I pressed on the side of my fingers until they hurt to  distract myself from pain elsewhere. I bit my cheeks and ground my teeth. I picked up bad habits in an effort to cope. Finally, in my 30's, I couldn't hide it anymore and I could not cope with my everyday life. It was at this point that a friend came back into my life. She and her mother were a lifeline and not only offered real help and support, they encouraged me to see a doctor who would take my pain issues seriously. As a result, I got better diagnoses and relief of some of my pain. I had endometriosis which precipitated a hysterectomy and when I still had hip pain I was referred to an orthopedist who was experienced in dealing with hip dysplasia and I got the diagnosis which would have been apparent to a radiologist trained to look for it. I had literally had doctors look at xrays of my hips where the dysplasia is evident and they told me my hips were normal; that they didn't know why they hurt and they couldn't do anything to help me feel better.
The effects of this were disheartening to say the least. To be told you are in pain and will just have to live with it is awful. I can't describe the depression I constantly fought. No one can imagine what it is like to always be forcing yourself to go forward when you are fighting for the will to keep living.  This is what people with silent diseases face. It is endlessly needing hope and encouragement just to keep getting out of bed. It is making crazy choices to escape yourself now and then. It is seeking the balance of being an encouragement to others to stay positive and active. It is fighting the desire to succumb to temptation, especially in the area of " comfort food". It is yo-yo dieting. It is learning how to be more disciplined in every area of life in order to be healthier and happier in spite of the pain. I  discovered the Catholic Church and prayer devotions and a rule of life used by monastics that has brought sanity and order in my life. If not for spiritual growth and a new perspective on pain, I don't know how I could have come this far. If you suffer chronic pain, please do not neglect your spiritual life,and stand up for yourself with medical professionals. I can't help but think I could have spent many less years battling pain and depression if I had been willing to push my doctors harder.